


It Feels Like Christmas

by juniorstarcatcher



Category: Star Wars, Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Christmas Angst but also Christmas fluff somehow, Christmas Story, College AU, F/M, Modern AU, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-25
Updated: 2017-12-25
Packaged: 2019-02-20 13:25:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,541
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13147647
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/juniorstarcatcher/pseuds/juniorstarcatcher
Summary: When Rey discovers she’s not the only one staying alone in her dorm during Christmas break, she tries to share the holiday spirit with the intimidating and solitary Ben Solo.





	It Feels Like Christmas

_It's true. Wherever you find love, it feels like Christmas_. 

* * *

 

Sometimes, she thought about him. Ben Solo. Not often enough to be creepy—at least, she _hoped_ it wasn’t creepy to occasionally think about someone she’d never actually met—but often enough to have a defined opinion and the occasional dream about him. The rumors around campus were decidedly negative, and he didn’t do himself any favors by wearing nothing but black, never smiling and generally being a huge dick to everyone. But… on the occasions when Rey found herself in her dorm’s elevator with him, she found it difficult to see the monster everyone else saw.

When she looked close enough, past the thick fog of innuendo and rumor and the mystique of anger and isolation he cultivated around himself, she saw someone who seemed to be in desperate need of a friend.

Not that Poe or Finn agreed with her. Every time she tried to bring Ben up, or even so much as said hello to him in an elevator, Rey was rewarded with stern lectures from both of them about keeping her distance. They rehashed the most salacious rumors over and over again, hatred dripping off of every word. _Stay away from him_ , they warned, _there’s a reason he’s alone all the time._  

So, it shouldn’t have surprised Rey at all when she returned from frantic last-minute grocery shopping on Christmas Eve to discover that her dorm building wasn’t empty as she’d originally thought. Because when she walked past the common room, a signature on the Common Room Schedule caught her eye. There, in plain but exceedingly neat handwriting, someone had reserved the room from 6 p.m. until 11 p.m.

The reason? “To Study.”

The tenant? “Ben Solo.”

Rey glanced down at the meager bag of groceries in her arms, her stomach dropping to the floor as chills rose up on the back of her neck. For days now, she’d assumed the entire building had been empty. She’d seen no one coming or going; everyone went home for the holidays. Everyone _else_ was with their families.

So why was Ben Solo alone?

Or, better yet, would the slim brown paper bag of food in her arms be enough to feed them both this Christmas?

* * *

Ben’s mother was always asking him to come home. Even when everyone else gave up on him, she never faltered, and Christmas was no exception. He stopped answering her calls days ago, but in his weaker moments, when a particularly sappy commercial came on television or he heard the ringing laughter of that Rey girl down the hall, he would take out his phone and listen to her voicemails.

And he hated himself for it. 

Which is why he packed his books and reserved the common room for the night; away from his room and the obnoxious commercials about family and the infectious, warming laughter of the girl from down the hall, he could distract himself from the searing draw he felt to return to his family. Since his bitter falling out with his father and his uncle, books and study had become Ben’s sanctuary, a retreat from the noise in his head begging him to go back.

But, when he stepped off the elevator onto the first floor, Ben heard something… odd. Exceedingly odd. Things in the lobby of his dorm was not as it had been for days now (stoically silent and reflective of his own emptiness; instead, it was filled with noise. Darlene Love’s _Baby Please Come Home_ blared out of some unseen speakers, but the sound was muffed by the closed door of the Common Room. The hair on the back of Ben’s neck stood on end; the girl had to be in there. After days of successfully avoiding her, he’d now have to face her.

It wasn’t that he didn’t like her. Of all the people on this campus, she was the most bearable. In fact, she was the only non-professor who ever bothered to speak to him. But, in a way, that made her unbearable. Her eyes carried torchlight inside of them and whenever she turned their brightness onto him, he felt exposed. Seen. He couldn’t conceal himself from the strange girl down the hall, and that made it necessary to hide from her whenever possible, especially after she’d made a few appearances in his dreams.

Books stacked in his arms and glasses precariously sliding down the long bridge of his nose, Ben shoved his shoulder into the swinging door of the common room, steeling himself for what was to come. He’d have to get her out of here and quickly.

The Common Room was just like any other college lounge with its sterile furniture and coffee and gum stained carpet, but somehow the girl from down the hall managed to bring the Christmas spirit to this dull place. Tinsel and fairy lights hung awkwardly between lamps and table corners, their lights and reflections sparkling against the walls. A full spread of food—well, a full spread if a full spread for Christmas included Blueberry Pop-Tarts and white cheddar popcorn alongside deli counter turkey slices and microwaved mashed potatoes—waited on the long center table. In the corner, a lopsided Christmas tree with no stand—one that was put to shame even by the pathetic Charlie Brown Christmas tree—leaned against the wall like an exhausted runner waiting to collapse in a heap on the floor.

And, of course, there was the dancing. Rey hadn’t even noticed him enter the room because she was too busy leaping around and moving her body to the rhythm of the old-fashioned Christmas rock song. Ben’s lips twitched, a sensation he fought by biting down painfully on the inside of his cheek.

In a way, it was almost magical. The shoddy, stitched together elements of an imperfect holiday celebration resonated in a deep part of Ben’s locked-away soul. Something about broken pieces being made whole spoke to him.

Desperate to tamp down the stirring in his chest, Ben adopted a cool, detached air.

“What are you doing here?" 

Rey froze, though the music behind her continued. With her back turned, he couldn’t exactly see her face, but the stiffness of her body and the awkward cough told him everything he needed to know. She reached for the volume dial on her speakers, turned them low, and faced him with a broad smile and unguarded eyes.

“Merry Christmas!”

“You can’t have a party in here. I booked the room.” 

“Right.” Her smile faltered; Ben’s stern look did not. “I saw that. But… We’re the last two here. And I thought… Maybe we could celebrate Christmas. I mean, I was just going to sit in my room and watch movies and maybe drink too much and you were just going to study, so I thought—” 

“I don’t do the Christmas thing.” 

“That’s okay! We can just have some turkey and eggnog and--”

“I need to study.”

He clutched his books tighter to his chest, hoping she didn’t notice the defensive stance he’d adopted even as his voice remained as flat as a dead heart monitor. Everything about her called to him and tried to pry him open. He couldn’t let her. After days and days alone with no human contact except the deliveroo guy, Ben wasn’t entirely sure if the tug on his heart was because she was a person speaking to him or if it’s because he’d never seen another person hold so much hope in their smile. 

Also, when was the last time anyone besides his mother had wanted to see him? Willingly spend time with him? Christmas only came once a year and this girl, this stranger, wanted to spend it with _him_? 

“It’s winter break,” she scoffed, “No one needs to study.”

“I do.”

“Well.” She picked up her eggnog glass and plopped herself down on the nearest couch with a confident, yet courteous air. Rey seemed to think she had him right where she wanted him. Part of Ben—the part that reminded everyone of his father and the part of him he tried so desperately to defeat—couldn’t help but admire her tactics. “I’m not leaving.”

“Yes, you are.” 

“The sign-ups aren’t valid between Exam week and the first day of next term. You don’t have any more claim to this room than I do." 

“I—”

Any objection Ben had died in his throat; she was right. He’d hoped she wouldn’t know the rules. For a moment, he considered storming off to his own room to sulk and drive himself to distraction. But his pride sunk to the bottom of his feet like lead bricks.

And, if he was being honest with himself, his curiosity had something to do with his decision to stay. He’d seen this woman across campus and in their dorm for almost four years now but never managed a conversation longer than six sentences. Who was she, really? And how was her smile opening up long-locked safes inside of his chest?

“Want a drink?” She asked, reaching for the carton of eggnog.

“No. Thank you." 

Ben sank into a chair all the way across the room and threw open the book on top of the stack. He thought the distance would shield him from the warmth of her eyes. A stupid thought. Moving away only made him more aware of the distance… And more aware of her.

The words on the page in front of Ben morphed and melded into the lyrics of the Christmas song playing in the background; he couldn't ignore it any longer.

"Could you turn that off?”

“If you have a drink with me.”

He chose to ignore that demand... And how seductive a temptation it was.

“I can’t read with all that noise," he huffed, staring at the wall instead of her. If she saw even the slightest flicker of indecision in him, she'd pounce. 

“Then maybe you shouldn’t be reading." She took a long drag out of her cup, only to be rewarded with a cheap Bourbon-tinged hiccup, which she nervously covered with one of her calloused hands. Ben struggled to kill the part of him that begged to ask how she'd earned such rough hands. "Say, what are you studying, anyway?" 

The stack of books about ancient weaponry and battle techniques before him now seemed impossibly nerdy. Subtly moving his arm to obscure the cover of the top book, which featured a romantic pose of a knight defending a fair maiden from a dragon, from her view.

“… Things." 

He cleared his throat and peered down over the lip of his glasses down at the book, hoping his oh-so professional tone would end the conversation. Instead, he was rewarded with one of those laughs of hers. That laugh that sliced through his carefully constructed armor as if he'd made it of butter instead of steel.

“What kind of things?” 

“How to get rid of tiny women who won’t leave me alone," he snapped, his composure dissolving as she strained her neck to see the books' titles.

“Oh, that’s easy.” 

“How?” The word was little more than a grumble, stated as he finally peered through his dark eyelashes at her. Her lips curled into a smile.

“Have a glass of eggnog with me.”

 “I’d rather die."

 “Allergic?”

“To you, maybe.”

“Is that why you’re alone?" The question wasn't malicious or designed to leave scars in their wake. She asked because she was curious. Because she wanted to know something about him. The sensation of care-- of someone genuinely desiring to know him intimately... or at all-- was foreign to him now. No one had done it in so long. "You’re allergic to people?”

I think they’re all allergic to me. Knowing he couldn't just ignore her any longer, not as long as the strange belief in him lingered in her gaze, Ben changed the subject, only allowing himself brief glimpses in her direction.

“Where’d you get that tree?” He asked, tightly. What was perhaps more amazing than her desire to know him was the desire building in him to know her.

“Dumpster behind the Administration building. The Christmas Tree lot down the street wasn’t open, so I had to make do." The way her voice echoed with joy, you'd think she dragged the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree and not a ratty, half-dead one into the room. Ben couldn't help but wonder, against his better judgment, how sad a life this callous-handed girl must have had if a trash tree filled her with such unguarded glee. "I've never had a real Christmas tree of my own before. It’s nice, isn’t it?”

“It’ll probably give you fleas.”

“Maybe. But it’s worth it.”

She caught him with the full force of her knife-sharp gaze... And he knew she was no longer talking about the tree. She was talking about him.

That wasn't acceptable. He couldn't... he didn't know how... to hear himself and worth in the same sentence. Ben had only a few weapons in his arsenal when it came to maintaining his isolation. He reached for the nearest one: cutting cruelty.

“Where are your friends?” He asked. The last word caught on his lips, as if his mouth couldn’t remember exactly how to construct it. "They left you here alone?”

“I’m not alone.”

Another remark meant to make him feel close to her. He narrowed his eyes and stabbed again with his invisible weapon. He couldn't let her think he was opening up. He needed to shove her away before she tried to get close.

“Yes, you are alone."

For the first time since they'd shared this room together, Ben caught black smoke of loneliness swirling in Rey's eyes; her fist clenched tighter around her cup. She tried to push past it with a weak cough, but Ben saw the weakness. If he wanted to get rid of her and the things she made him feel, he had to exploit it.

“They invited me to go. They were going back to Poe’s house to meet his family. I didn’t want to intrude.”

“So you decided to intrude on me?”

“The Common Room can’t be reserved at Christmas.”

Irritation. It was rising in her voice. She wouldn't meet his gaze. Anger would soon follow. And then she would leave and Ben would once again be in lonely peace. He pushed harder.

“Where’s your family?”

“What?”

“Why aren’t you at home with your family?”

“Poe and Finn are—”

“I know where they are. Where is your family?” 

That word stiffened her spine and crumpled the empty red cup in her hands. There it is, Ben thought to himself. There's the break.

“What’s your problem? I’m trying to share Christmas with you and you’re—”

 “I don’t want to share anything with anyone. This holiday is a joke. And so are you. You aren’t alone because you didn’t want to intrude. You’re alone because no one wanted you. If you had a family, you wouldn’t be alone in this room trying to win over the one person who couldn’t want less to do with you.”

A million micro expressions crossed the stage of Rey's face, but Ben hardly registered them. Thinking he'd won, he dipped his head into the book before him and prepared to listen to her heavy feet storm straight out of the room.

Those steps didn't come right away. The background crooning of Bing Crosby was interrupted by her calm and clear voice. A voice so calm and so clear that Ben thought he could see his future.

“You’re right.”

“What?" 

“My family didn’t want me." Her voice wavered, then picked its strength back up. "But you know what? I’m lucky. Because I get to choose my family. And for a second… I thought I wanted to choose you.”

A bullet in the side of his skull would have done less damage than those words. She waited for him to speak, but how could he? His heart—the heart he thought he’d killed a long time ago—was lodged in his throat.

The disappointed sigh she released only made it worse.

“Guess I was wrong. Merry Christmas, Ben.”

* * *

 

Alone in her room, Rey told herself not to cry. And definitely not to text Finn or Poe. She couldn’t deal with hearing “we told you so” right about now. She was so certain she’d seen something in him, flickers of light that told her his too-tough exterior was just that: an exterior. But she’d been wrong. So, so wrong.

A cavernous emptiness consumed her. Even as she wrapped herself in her oversized duvet and tucked into an hubcap-sized tin of cookies sent over by Poe’s mom and watched all of the Christmas movies she’d borrowed from the library, the sounds of jingling sleigh bells and Ben’s dark words ricocheted in her hollowed-out ribcage. She didn’t care about the insults he’d hurled at her. She _had_ a family. She loved Poe and Finn and Rose and everyone else she’d come to love at university. What tore her up inside was him. He didn’t know—or maybe had forgotten—what love felt like, especially at this time of year.

And when she slept that night—half-drunk on her own pain and fully drunk on Eggnog—she didn’t dream of Sugar plums. She had nothing but nightmares about a handsome man with dark, broken eyes who might never be saved.

* * *

Her last nightmare shattered when the sounds of _Good King Wincelas_ smashed against her eardrums. At first, she groaned awake and checked her phone, wondering if Poe had once again changed her ringtone to something festive, but when she blinked herself to full consciousness, she realized the sound wasn’t coming from her room at all. It was coming from…. Well, she wasn’t sure where yet.

Pajamas and all, she followed the music’s path down the hallway, down, down, down the stairs, and finally into the common room, where it looked like Christmas had thrown up.

Her meager Christmas decorations had disappeared, and in their place, every Christmas luxury and refinery dominated the space. Fake icicles hung from the ceiling. Candles burned on every available surface. Presents poured like a mighty river beneath the tree. The biggest turkey she’d ever seen waited in the center of the table to be carved. 

And in the corner, Ben Solo struggled to get a star on the top of a ten-foot tall Christmas tree. With one leg buried in some waist-high branches and one precariously balanced on the edge of a nearby table, he stretched and stretched and stretched….

Before promptly falling directly onto his ass in a pile of tinsel and paper snowflakes.

A fit of giggles exploded from Rey’s lips. The mighty Ben Solo laid low by a defiant Christmas tree. If she had a camera, she could make a mint selling pictures of this moment.

At the sound of her laughter, Ben acknowledged her new presence in the room. Scrambling to his feet, he tried to retain some of his dignity, a feat made almost impossibly funny by the combination of the stoic expression on his face and the popcorn garland stuck around his shoulders.

“I fucked up.”

“I can see that,” Rey tried to match his flat-lipped seriousness, but her smile poked through. He was too ridiculous, too strange compared to the cruelty she’d been met with yesterday. What happened to _I don’t do the Christmas thing_?

“No. Not about this. Well,” He cleared his throat and tried to knock the popcorn garlands off of his shoulders without looking at it, as if she couldn’t see it if he didn’t draw extra attention to it.  “Maybe a little about this, but… I shouldn’t have… I was…” He swallowed hard, his jaw tightening and his voice lowering but his conviction strengthening. “I had no reason to say any of that to you and I’m sorry.”

 _Sorry._ Ben Solo just apologized to her… And meant it? She took in the full scope of the wildly decorated room, struggling to make sense of it all. Her giggles vanished. 

“So you did… all this…”

“I was a jerk. But you deserve a real Christmas. With a real Christmas tree.” His lips twitched upward. It might have been the first smile she’d ever seen Ben Solo give. It was out of practice and wobbly, as if he expected at any second someone would come along and give him a reason to never smile again. He picked his coat off of the floor. “One that won’t give you fleas.” 

“Where are you going?”

“I don’t have any right to share it with you after what I said yesterday. But…” He gave a sad, little wave and a sad, little smile. He made his way to the exit. “I just wanted you to know you’re not alone.”

She caught his wrist. His delicious pulse warmed against her skin, pattering out a too-fast rhythm that matched her own heartbeat. Ben Solo looked at her with all of the hope she never knew he was capable of possessing. 

“Neither are you.”

And for the first time, Rey and Ben shared a Christmas with a family. A family they chose all on their own.

**Author's Note:**

> I've never written for Reylo before, but I've been obsessing over them since watching TLJ. I wanted to start writing them with a fluffy Modern AU because I'm thinking of writing them as Supreme Leader and Supreme Leader Consort, so I wanted something fluffy to balance out the darkness. :) 
> 
> I hope you all like it and whether this is a special day for you or just another Monday where nothing is open, I hope you have a wonderful one! Please comment or give me kudos if you liked the story!


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